We are back, rested and ready to dive back in!
We left off diving more into understanding parental roles and how they affected us as children, and even into adulthood. We are more aware after following along with these messages that awareness is the key to having emotional control and to making healthy decisions! We last talked about mother’s roles and how to process those emotions. Now we are going to dive into father’s roles! So, grab your notebook, allow yourself to find a safe space, and let’s go!
We understand now how crucial a mother’s influence is on us as children, especially babies, with bonding, trust, and attachment. But it’s our father’s that really play into understanding who we are and our identities. And they influence this by how they love, mentor, and discipline. It was intended that our fathers would help us better understand our gifts and talents! In a healthy relationship, mothers are often the ones who are more protective, while the father will be more encouraging to try new things. And while he is encouraging his child, he will also help shape their development in those areas.
So, what does this mean for us if we grow up without a healthy relationship with our fathers? This typically results in us feeling unsure about our worth or who we are. This can result in poor choices when it comes to dating, low self esteem, more fear based decisions, and just all around negative thinking. This can also result in deeper church hurts. We tend to seek out, even subconsciously, a male figure to meet those needs that didn’t get met by our father. This doesn’t necessarily mean romantically either. But we are unable to find that in another man because it is not their role to fill that void for us, leaving us feeling hurt and thinking that they are all the same OR that we truly can’t be loved. Does this sound familiar?
Maybe you thought you had a healthy relationship with your dad but can relate to some of those feelings mentioned above. How could that be? Usually this is because we have chosen to believe that they can do no wrong due to having a huge need to feel accepted by them. They can be a great dad that was able to meet a lot of our needs, but rarely do they truly meet every need. It is EXTREMELY hard as a parent to meet every single need of our children. But we are born with this desire to have those needs met. So, we latch on to the relationships that make us feel the most fulfilled or bring us the most joy. However in those moments that our needs don’t get met, and we are left feeling pain or rejection, even if they are rare, our limbic system will remember them and create “protective walls”, aka coping behaviors, to keep us from feeling that again.
A lot of the time we think that wounds only come from those who never meet our needs. But the truth is, it honestly can hurt MORE when we fully trust someone and have needs that don’t get met. No-one is exempt from getting hurt when it comes to others. But does this mean we need to always live in protection mode and believe those lies and protective personalities (more on that soon)? ABSOLUTELY NOT! What we need to remember is that we are all human, even our parents. Our parents are in no way perfect and are also grown ups who grew up making choices based on their parents wounds. As always, I’m not going to say that their negative choices should be excused by any means, but I am saying that those choices do NOT define you.
If there is a part of you who is longing for a certain kind of love and for someone to choose you, which I know there is because we all experience this, I have good news. If you are someone who struggles to find consistent, lasting peace and fulfillment, there IS someone who can meet ALL of those needs. Our parents conceived us, but they didn’t create us. Their DNA shaped our DNA, but they didn’t create our spirit. God did. God is the ONLY one who can love us the way we truly desire to be loved. But it can become very hard to trust Him or even believe in that kind of love when our entire identity and worth has become questionable. I’ve been there. I completely understand why some choose to walk away. But I also understand what it feels like to heal and see the truth and feel His love. I can confidently say that He is real and His love is undeniable. And I want to help you walk into that same healing and love!
Next week we are going to dive into processing more of this. If this triggered any kind of negative thoughts or beliefs that are causing you to want to fall back into old habits that you know you shouldn’t, PLEASE reach out! To me, a pastor, a counselor, etc. Someone who is safe and you know you can trust 100%. The point here is to just get you to a place where you can say “that makes a lot of sense and I can see why I think like that”. And next week the point is to show you what to do with those feelings and how to respond to this new awareness! Don’t let the enemy in. He may try and point fingers at you and remind you of past things that make you feel negative things, BUT HE IS A LIAR. If at any point you think something negative about yourself, no matter how true it feels, it is a lie. We all have things we could work on but GOD would never make you feel small because of it, which means it is either this world or the enemy. So, along with the awareness needed to heal, also carry that awareness of who is speaking to you. Both are SO necessary for healing!
Don’t forget to find me on my socials for more encouragement and I’ll see you next week! And make sure to reach out if you'd like to join our safe space zooms on Monday nights at 8:30 Central time!
Ps. For the second half of this, which is processing, please check that out on my podcast or vlog! There is not a blog version of this!