What is love? Some may answer this with the well known Corinthians scripture from the Bible. Some may answer this based on what they have seen in movies. Some may base the answer off of their own love languages and needs. Google says that the definition of love is an intense feeling of deep affection. But most will answer this based on their own personal experiences. So, who is right?
The point I am trying to make is that most of us wouldn’t have the same answer. Love is something that everyone desires and is a vital part of our purpose in life. Almost every religion or belief system I have ever came across all have the same main goal: to love. So, why is it that we all have different ideas of what love is? And even for those of us who could agree on what love is, somehow we still struggle to give and/ or receive it. Why is that?
The answer: we let emotions get wrapped up into what we think love is, how we should give it, and our ability to receive it.
It is impossible to both give AND receive love, effectively and in a healthy way, while living in protection mode. We may have the purest motives and the biggest hearts but when it comes down to actually giving and/ or receiving love, we fall short. We take on the responsibility of protecting who we believe we are and the amount of pain we let in. We walk around in life with this idea that if we truly love others, they will take advantage of us or that if we allow ourselves to believe that someone actually loves us, it will make it that much harder when they decide not to anymore. And I am not just talking about the people who walk around guarded all the time either. I am also talking about those who we see being so giving of their time and resources to others, but they do it on their terms or in their own love language. For some, they want to love others in a way they never felt they were loved and so desperately wishing they had received, not realizing that they aren’t actually taking the time to understand those people or love them effectively. This is, in fact, still a coping mechanism just like those others I mentioned above. It is a form of control that keeps us in the drivers seat of what love we allow in our lives.
Another large area of love that some of us struggle with is the idea that in order to love someone, we have to have a relationship with them. Again, this is because we have turned love into an emotional thing. And maybe you heard that and thought, “no, I know that love isn’t a feeling. It is a choice”, which is correct. But what are you choosing to do? For most, this is still wrapped around the idea of having a relationship with everyone you love. If you were around for the episode on forgiveness, we know that you don’t have to have a relationship with someone to forgive them and that forgiveness is more about freedom for yourself. Love is different in the way that it is actually intended for that person, however it still doesn’t not mean you have to be in contact with them. In fact, you can love someone and never even know who they are.
So, what is love? How in the world do you love someone and never know who they are? Better yet, how do you love someone that hurt you?
The answer? You want the best for them. Here are some examples:
- When that car cuts you off, you pray that they don’t get in a wreck instead of flipping them off.
- When your friend betrays you, you recognize that she is battling her own demons and hope that she is able to heal and find freedom.
- When the random person in the grocery store who is being impatient starts being rude to you, you wish them well and pray that they encounter something that brings them joy.
- When you see someone being a bully online, you recognize that they have wounds that need to be worked through instead of telling them off, you pray for them or let them know that you can see they are hurting.
But you’re like, “ok I hear you but people can’t just get away with doing things that are wrong or hurtful!” So, let’s talk about that too. Justice is something that is normal human nature but is amplified by our past pain. We can fight for what is right without fighting fire with fire. We will NEVER reach people by talking down to others or at others. The quickest way to reach people and get them in a position to hear what you are saying or create any kind of change is to SEE them and respond in love. And when it comes to those who have DEEPLY hurt you, behind the hurt, bitterness, and resentment is a part of you that wishes they would have been a different way and wish you could have had a healthier relationship with them. You CAN love someone and wish that things could have been different or that they could have been someone different towards you, the key is if you are wishing in love or in hate. Can you talk about what you wish they could have been different from a compassionate place, rather than a bitter place? The deeper the wound, the harder this can feel. It honestly just comes down to those past healing exercises we’ve talked about, where you are able to see things from a perspective outside of the pain.
Basically, what I am trying to say is that it IS possible to show someone love without them even knowing, without them righting their wrongs, and without having relationship with them. It is a choice to pray for them and choose to hope the best for them.
In terms of loving others we actually have relationship with, the same concepts apply but on a much deeper level. We are wanting the best for them, but in a more understanding way. It isn’t about only praying for them. When it comes to loving them we, again, have to SEE where they are to understand what is best for them. You CANNOT love someone and have a healthy relationship if you never ask them where they are at. In other words, if you don’t take the time to LISTEN and understand someone, it is IMPOSSIBLE to know what is best for them and truly love them in a way they can receive it.
And last but not least, let’s talk about receiving love. This one can feel impossible to some. Receiving love can feel like being vulnerable and letting people in. Some have spent their whole lives believing a lie that they are unlovable. But what if I told you this was also a coping mechanism? A lot of people will remain in a constant state of pain because it allows them to be in control of the amount of hurt they feel. It decreases the likely hood of someone surprising them and letting them down, thus poking those wounds even harder. Receiving love, just like giving love, is a choice. You have to choose to take your eyes off of the pain and see the good. To choose to put yourself in situations that are healthy. You have to choose to have conversations and put yourself in opportunities to be loved on. We’ve talked about this before but a very common way God will love on you is through others. But if you are constantly avoiding it, how can you ever actually receive it?
For some, they even have a hard time receiving love from God because, whether they realize it or not, they are resentful toward Him for what they went through or struggle to fully trust Him because of it. I have previous episodes on this if you would like a deeper understanding, but the truth of the matter is in order for God to be able to stop bad things from happening, there has to be someone willing to be used by Him. Evil is in this world, hurt people hurt people, and the only way to break this cycle is to put yourself in a position to be used by Him to stop it from happening to others. Does this mean bad things still won’t happen, no. But there ARE outcomes that can be different because you stepped out of resentment and allowed yourself to see things from a position of love, and not hate.
As far as the pain that you experienced, I am not God, but I know that He is good and did not want those bad things to happen to you. Those things happened as a result of wounded people continuing to wound other people. They had nothing to do with you or your character or your ability to be loved. God was there and has always been there and loves you more than you could possibly know. For some this is going to take time and experiences to fully understand what I am saying. But for others, you want to believe this. You are just scared. So, now it is up to you to CHOOSE what to do next. You can walk into healing while feeling scared and allow yourself to experience the love that is already right in front of you, OR you can remain in protection mode, longing to fill that void.
Last episode we talked about the verse Hosea 10:12 where it says “plant the good seeds of righteousness, and you will harvest a crop of love. Plow up the hard ground of your hearts for now is the time to seek the Lord, that He may come and shower righteousness upon you”. We talked about the part that said plow up the hard ground of your hearts meaning that we are to break up our walls to those deep wounds. And we talked about how planting good seeds, wasn’t just for others, but we also need to plant truth into our own hearts. So, to bring this full circle, when we talk about harvesting a crop of love we know that we are referring to receiving God’s love. And while we understand that love is wanting the best for someone else and for some it means taking the time to understand them, God’s love is SO much deeper. God IS love. He can’t be anything other than love. And this type of love is something we could never truly comprehend. He had such a deep love for you that he couldn’t imagine eternity without you so He created you. Ive said this before but you were literally created so you could be loved. But the ONLY way we can receive this love is by plowing up those hard parts. By taking the time to understand truth, and then planting those seeds into our mind. Only then will we be able to experience the type of peace and freedom, aka LOVE, that He has for us!
So let’s reread this one last time:
Plant the seeds of truth into our minds. Tear down our walls around the areas we feel we need to protect the most. Seek God through all of it. And THEN you will receive the peace in your mind. THEN you will feel less alone. THEN you will feel seen and understood. THEN you will no longer feel all the weight of your past. THEN you will feel safe.
THEN you will feel loved