Welcome Back!
We’ve been talking a lot about how to process our feelings/ words when we feel triggered and then what we should, and shouldn’t, do while having those hard conversations. But now I want to talk about how to navigate unhealthy relationships, especially those viewed as toxic or narcissistic.
The words toxic and narcissistic are buzz words right now. They are kind of getting thrown around all over the place and are overly used and misunderstood.
You can do a simple google search and ask “am I a narcissist” or “what is a narcissist” but to be honest, the spectrum just keeps expanding. When you research it out, studies are now saying there are different traits, degrees, and types of narcissism, which essentially puts us all on the list to some degree. But when most of us think of someone who is toxic or narcissist, we are actually referring to someone who has narcissistic personality disorder or NPD. Why is this important to know? Because its going to determine how you navigate the conversation.
Those with NPD are going to be a lot harder to hold a conversation with and are going to make your healing journey almost impossible.
Narcissistic personality disorder involves a patterns such as:
- They are more than just arrogant or vain, they have an unrealistic sense of superiority. They only want to associate and be associated with other high-status people, places, and things.
- They live in a fantasy world where they focus on success, power, brilliance, attractiveness, ect. And anything that threatens to burst the fantasy bubble is met with extreme defensiveness and even rage.
- Needs constant praise and admiration. These relationships are very one-sided. It's all about what the other person can do for the narcissist, never the other way around.
- They truly believe that whatever they want, they should get. And if you have the nerve to defy their will or “selfishly” ask for something in return, prepare yourself for aggression, outrage, or the cold shoulder.
- They lack empathy and often take advantage of others to achieve their own goals.
- They frequently demean, intimidate, bully, or belittle others whenever they feel threatened by someone who has something they lack. Name calling is a go to move here.
But if we want to get technical, there are other forms of narcissism that have less extreme behaviors such as: always focusing on appearance, having high expectations, lacking empathy, having fear of abandonment, being self sufficient, extreme confidence, extreme sensitivity, passive aggressiveness, being introverted, being super competitive, being antisocial, and more! There are even positive forms of narcissism. So, it is really easy to slap the terms toxic or narcissistic on anyone, even those who technically are not.
Because of this, I think it is important that we switch our vocabulary to the term, “UNHEALTHY”. All of those traits mentioned above, are coping reactions to a fear of rejection, neglect, or some sort of insecurity. Even those with NPD are acting out from an extreme insecurity.
Think about it like this, we are not born with manipulative traits, they are programmed into us. And honestly, our flesh is always searching for highs and to avoids pain as much as possible. So, knowing this allows us to no longer be a victim and allows us to offer grace to ourselves and others. (Ps. Grace does not mean you are excusing an action. It just allows you to understand and not be bound by the pain from it).
Labeling isn’t the point here. Identifying the severity of an unhealthy mindset or trait may be necessary, but the real goal is being able to evaluate their place in your healing journey. It is also important to recognize OUR behaviors and unhealthy traits in relationships as well. Not to beat ourselves up, but to recognize that it takes two people to create an unhealthy relationship. Even if we aren’t belittling them or acting out in anger, we have allowed ourselves to be belittled or bullied, which also indicates we are in an unhealthy place as well.
So, knowing all of this, now is when we apply what we’ve been learning over the past few blogs and step into that conversation and set those boundaries.
Healing is IMPOSSIBLE if we aren’t being supported by those closest to us, people we have daily or frequent interaction with. You can take big steps forward, but you will constantly be hitting roadblocks and it will be extremely hard if boundaries and hard conversations aren’t put in place. Sometimes these relationships are inevitable, for instance if the person is a coworker. Sometimes these relationships are fixable but require mediation or knowing the right way to navigate the conversation. And sometimes these relationships need to be walked away from altogether.
How do we determine which is which? That depends on what their role in your life is, the severity of their unhealthy traits, and their willingness to work on themselves as well.
People who might fall into that category of inevitable relationships might be:
- A boss or coworkers
- Parents (if you are a minor)
- Classmates or neighbors
Yes, you could technically get away from these relationships but it might be a litter tougher to do so. So, boundaries would be KEY here! “But what does this look like?”
People who might fall into the place of fixable but need some mediation might be:
- Spouse
- Children
- Family member
- Close friends
For these, mediation may look like counseling. It could look like going through trainings or exercises. But regardless, everyone involved has to be willing to recognize their unhealthy coping mechanisms and change. “But what would this look like?”
People who should be walked away from are:
- Those with NPD, who are unwilling to see their unhealthy traits.
- Those who are unwilling to admit their wrongs.
- Those who are constantly bulling or abusing you (mentally, emotionally, or physically).
It does not matter who these people are or what their roles are, it is time to walk away. “But how do I do this? This freaks me out!”
I am going to walk through all of these questions in my next blog. I am going to help you navigate your fears and emotions when setting boundaries and having those hard conversations. I will do my best to keep them in one blog, but it could become a two part depending on how it goes. I want to make sure you feel confident and safe to walk into this part of your healing journey! So, until then, I would focus on repeating that BREATHE system and working on bettering your communication skills.
If you want to practice your boundary skills, I always tell my kids to say, “no thank you,” when they feel unsafe. So for an adult, if you feel unsafe, you could practice saying, “I would appreciate if you didn’t do that, please.” And if the other person doesn’t respect that, I always tell my kids to ask for help. I think this could also apply to adults as well! It might sound silly, but it’s the right thing to do.
I will end this here, but hang in there friend! You are not alone! See you next week!
