In the last blog we talked about a system to help us be able to better process and communicate whenever a button or wound gets poked. Those moments when we feel triggered and want to resort to fight or flight. A lot of times this looks like pointing fingers, isolation, or shutting down. But this obviously isn’t how we want to respond. So, I created a system called B.R.E.A.T.H.E. and shared all about each step. However, I felt like a couple of those steps could use deeper explanation, so that’s what we are going to do today!
After you are able to slow down, calm down, and process what you are feeling, it is then time to ask yourself questions, remind yourself of truths, and have a vulnerable conversation. And while I do plan on going over the questions and the truth part more in depth, today I want to talk more about the vulnerable conversation! This is typically going to be the hardest part of the whole system because not only are you going to be resistant, you’re also dealing with another human being with wounds of their own. And on top of that, sometimes these conversations are with people who could be very unhealthy and/ or narcissistic. So, since every conversation has multiple sides to it, its important to know how to navigate it and also know when its time to walk away!
So, lets get into this!
Here are the DOs of how to have a healthy conversation:
- DO be transparent. You know how when you call someone to vent or ask for advice and you say things like “I just wish I knew what they meant” or “when this happened it made me feel this way and I don’t know how to tell them”? THAT IS WHAT YOU TELL THEM! Literally just that! Lol You say, “when (this) was said, I felt like (this) is what you meant and it made me feel like (this).”
- DO stay honest with yourself and with them. You don’t always have to tell your whole life story if you don’t feel like it, but at least let them know that you have a wound that was poked. If you don’t want to tell them who put it there or how old you were, feel free to leave it out. But if someone made you feel unseen as a child and whatever just happened made you feel that way again, you might say exactly what I just said: “I have moments when I feel unseen and it stems from a childhood relationship, so when you did that it pushed that button.”
- DO be clear about your goal with this conversation. What is the point of it? Are you wanting to better the relationship? Set a boundary? Heal from a past wound? Are you asking them to help you be accountable to your goals in your healing journey? Do you just want them to be aware so it doesn’t happen again? Make that known in the very beginning of the conversation.
- DO call out any assumptions they might have. This is definitely geared more towards the closer relationships in your life that have a tendency get defensive or react in a certain way, or maybe you just have a feeling something will be taken a certain way but either way, call it out. For example: If I want to have a conversation with my husband about a certain chore being forgotten about and I know that if I bring it up he’s going to think I’m mad or saying he did something wrong, I might say, “Hey I want to talk to you about something and I need you to know that I’m not mad or think you did anything wrong, but I just want to figure out a better system so it doesn’t happen again.” This kind of combines number 3 as well. I called out any defenses or assumptions he might make as well as being clear about my intention with the conversation. But be sure to keep this compassionate and not so much calling them out in a way that you point out their flaws.
- DO LISTEN TOO! You can’t be the only one talking. Especially if this was a disagreement or both of you were getting defensive. In the B.R.E.A.T.H.E system, H stands for hear me out/ hear THEM OUT! You want to be seen and heard, and so do they. And the only way to fully heal is to be able to hear their side too.
Here are the DON’Ts of how to have a healthy conversation:
- Don’t use inclusive statements like “you always” or “you never”. Remember, this is a red flag!
- Don’t blame them for the way you feel. Avoid saying things like “when you said this, you made me feel like this.” No-one can make you feel a certain way, they aren’t that powerful. And, typically they aren’t the one who put the wound there. Instead use words like when this happened, a wound got poked that reminded me of a time I felt like this.” And if you have to use words like “you made” make sure you’re explaining that you aren’t saying its their fault, you’re just explaining how you felt when it happened.
- DON’T MIND READ. DON’T ASSUME YOU KNOW WHAT THEY WILL SAY. This will neverrrrr create a healthy conversation. If you are having a hard time believing them then one of two things needs to happen: you need to check yourself because you have trust issues, or you need to walk away from the relationship because they aren’t trustworthy. If you have trust issues and had them before you even knew this person, then its probably not them. And if this person hurts you a lot, and your goal is to have a healthy conversation, then you will not be able to continue having conversations with them until they are open to healing as well.
- DON’T LISTEN WHILE ALSO PLANNING OUT WHAT YOU WILL SAY NEXT. This is probably the most annoying thing in the world. Quit trying to manipulate the conversation and just listen to what they are saying. The outcome doesn’t have to go your way in order for it to be healthy. Sometimes there may be an outcome or a truth that is hard to hear, but that is simply just a part of healing and growing. Sometimes you have to accept the fact that you can be wrong. But WRONG DOES NOT MEAN YOU’RE BAD! Did you hear me way back there in the back?! GET. IT. OUT. OF. YOUR. HEAD. That you are bad and don’t deserve to live any longer because you made a mistake. We all make mistakes and I promise, you’ll make another one again in the future. If you want to grow and heal, you have to have the hard conversations sometimes too.
- Don’t allow yourself to fall back into your coping behaviors. If you need to repeat the breathe exercise, then do that. Or take a time out. But be vocal about it and keep the finger pointed at yourself. In other words, you might say, “I am still struggling mentally right now with this conversation and I’m not saying you are to blame but I am not feeling like I can continue it at the moment and have the outcome we are wanting to have.” Sometimes a time frame helps too depending who this conversation is with. Sometimes when I’m having a conversation with my husband and really want to reach a desired outcome and he’s struggling with his limbic reactions, he might say he needs to walk away. But at times when he does this I struggle because I’m not trying to wait a week to finish it. So, in those moments something that helps me is when he’s says “ I just need like 5 min and I’ll be back.” Knowing that an outcome will happen in the near futures allows me to be able to feel less anxious about his pause from the conversation.
For a more in depth example of this type of conversation, be sure to check out my podcast (at the bottom of this page) of this blog! But basically the best way to be sure to have a healthy conversation and a stronger relationship from it is to stay focused on the result you want, which is to be healthier or overcome your limbic reactions, vs. being focused on being heard or being right. You can be heard while also listening to others and you can be valid in your feelings but still be “wrong” about the situation. So, focusing on the end goal being to have a healing/growth moment will help keep you out of Limbicland and will usually keep the conversation healthy if the person is also wanting the same outcome.
I want to touch on what to do if this conversation or situation is with an unhealthy person or someone who isn’t receptive to the conversation but because this went long enough, I’ll wait and share that next week! So, for now hold on to this and be sure to give yourself grace! Your limbic system has been working hard for a long time to keep you “safe” from emotional pain and it’s not going to stop now. But now that you have the awareness of your red flags and have a few tools to help you better process some of these things, you now are starting to have the power to override it!
However, there are a few more thing that we need to go over to better do this, so keep following along with these blogs and as always, if you have any questions be sure to reach out! You aren’t alone friend! See you next week!
