Welcome Back!
In the last blog we left the conversation talking about three different groups of people: some we need to set boundaries with and some we need to walk away from; which may have sent you into panic mode, aka “Limbic Land”. The idea of setting boundaries or leaving a relationship may make your stomach turn and your heart race. The anxiety may set in and you may struggle to breathe. Just know, this is normal, but let’s chat about it for a second.
Personally, setting a boundary was the scariest thing in the world to me. I had such a strong belief that I would only receive love if I was doing things for others and that asking someone to do something, or not do something, for me would result in them walking away. In fact, it did seem like anytime I did anything that someone didn’t like or couldn’t be there for them the way they wanted, they’d walk away and tell me I was only focused on myself. So, I stopped. I became a doormat.
It wasn’t until I was married and in my mid twenties that I finally started my healing journey. I finally started speaking my feelings to others and setting boundaries. It was HARD, but I did it. And in the process, God showed me that I was never meant to be a doormat. I could still be there for others, but not 24/7. And as much as it sucked, not everyone would be able to be there for me the same way. Not because I didn’t deserve it, but because they were wounded and didn’t know how to be. The cool thing was that when I switched my focus from the relationships I was clinging to (to make sure they stayed my friend) what I found was that in the relationships that were healthy, I did get love back. I finally started getting heard and seen. I started to feel important.
The reasons we cling to people and don’t set boundaries or walk away, always stems from a fear. Lisa Terkeurst said it best when she said, “we will always desperately want from other people what we fear our God will not provide.” Sometimes we fear being alone so much that we would rather continue in toxic and unhealthy relationships than walk away and risk rejection and more disappointment. And as much as we believe God can do anything, we’ve dealt with so much disappointment that we struggle to believe He will for us. We fear that no one else will love us or want us. But God does and He knows the desires of our hearts and designed us for relationship. So, why would He isolate us and keep us from experiencing them? The answer is: He wouldn’t. That may take some healing to begin to believe, so make sure you continue following these messages because that is our goal here!
So, now let’s dive into what setting a boundary looks like. It does NOT look like being mean or belittling someone else. It does NOT look like manipulating someone into doing something you want. And it does not usually present itself from a place of anger. But instead, it looks like saying things like:
- “My heart wants to say yes to that but unfortunately I cannot.”
- “It hurts me when this happens, so I have to separate myself when it does.”
- “Your feelings are valid here. I see that you are upset but I cannot allow you to say those things to me.”
The thing we need to realize is we are all wounded people. And without boundaries, there is no protection for the relationship. This is biblical! The very first thing that God did with Adam & Eve in the garden was set a boundary for their protection. Throughout the Bible, the more mankind sinned, the more boundaries were presented. It’s not about rules and control, it’s about protection.
But are all boundaries healthy? Nope. Actually a lot of us think we are setting boundaries, but in reality we are just building walls. Walls lead to isolation, not protection. There is a difference in shutting people out and guarding your heart (aka mind…more on that later.)
In the previous blog, I mentioned there are different groups of people that you might navigate in different ways. The first group were those that you couldn’t really get away from like neighbors, classmates, coworkers, etc. Yes you could technically get away from them but it’s not always ideal. So, if that group is acting out in unhealthy ways, it’s time to set a boundary. I have an example of this with a coworker.
I was working a sales job and I had a couple of coworkers who were EXTREMELY unhealthy. One was a guy who had some serious trust issues with women and also felt like he was God’s gift to women. I am not saying that in any sort of resentment or judgement either! Lol He would tell you that to your face if you asked him. And he was CONSTANTLY making comments about how my husband was probably at work sleeping with the secretary. SUPER unprofessional and not ok. Then he would proceed to make comments every time I would eat my lunch about how I was ALWAYS eating. Just a bunch of super ridiculous things. And can you believe I never told management?! I was worried about causing issues and just tried to ignore him. He eventually left but I lost SO much sleep over this situation. I cried multiple times, but yet I never set a boundary with him like I should have. It is something I told myself I would never let happen again.
Fast forward a little bit, and I started having issues with another male coworker. He was an older guy and had some crazy stuff going on with him spiritually and emotionally. He openly talked about his problems with me a lot and then would proceed to take his anger out on me when he had bad days. He was so rude and downright mean. So, this time I said NOPE, I am not going through this again. I spoke up and I told him that I would not let him talk to me that way. I told him that it was also not ok to tell me his personal problems, not because I didn’t care, but because not only was it not professional, but because he was not treating me like a friend, therefore I could not be there for him like a friend. Eventually I had to take it to management. But the beauty was I wasn’t losing sleep over it. I knew boundaries were in place and if he overstepped, it was on him now and I finally had peace with it all!
Not once was I angry or mean towards the second example. But boy did I get to the point of lashing out multiple times with the first. He would push and push and push and I would often find myself breaking. So, when I say boundaries are for protection I don’t just mean for the relationship. They are also there for yourself as well!
Next up was the group that feels unhealthy but fixable. These are people who are in your life consistently and where everyone involved is willing to work on themselves. Boundaries are good here too but another necessary tool is some sort of mediation. These people are usually a spouse, family, or close friends. Boundaries with these people may feel more personal. You may let them in more by letting them be aware of your wounds and buttons. Finding ways to navigate hard conversations with them is also very necessary and sometimes if the relationship is unhealthy, you’ll need someone there to help or listen. If the relationship is healthy then you may not need this step, but for this blog we are talking about unhealthy relationships, and those DEFINITELY need some extra love. These look like therapy, counseling programs, workshops, challenges/ exercises, etc. Sometimes even writing letters to each other that were proofed by a healthy influence in your life is super therapeutic!
Something I want to highlight here is therapy/ counseling is NOT a negative thing. Literally, EVERYONE needs it! Not going because you are afraid someone is going to point out your flaws is extremely unhealthy. The ONLY way to change, heal, and grow is to be aware of our unhealthy thoughts and behaviors.
And this leads me to the last and final group. Those that we need to walk away from. The ones who, no matter how many boundaries you set or how many times you ask them to not treat you a certain way, still continue to push and poke your wounds. These are typically those we would consider “toxic” or narcissistic. I mentioned before how everyones coping mechanisms and unhealthy behaviors stem from fears. Those with narcissistic personality disorder have some DEEP wounds and the idea of giving someone else the power to hurt them is terrifying. A lot of the time these feelings are so deep that they have pushed them so far back that now they are subconscious. Can they get help? Yes. But, they usually won’t because recognizing their flaws and becoming vulnerable means lowering themselves which would result in extreme pain.
Have you ever seen someone who is afraid of heights but someone manages to put themselves in a situation where they are high up, but the thought of coming down is even scarier than just staying up there? And then when you try and get up to them by meeting them where they are at and help them down, they begin to panic and start loosing it? THAT is literally how those with NPD’s brains work.
The problem is, they don’t see that. Literally someone with NPD could be reading this and recognize that feeling but still refuse to see it. They will find every reason to convince themselves that nothing is wrong with them because if they allowed themselves to see it, ALL of their flaws and wounds would be exposed. And because of that, walking away is the only healthy boundary you can set with that mindset. I know this will feel hard, because you have probably dealt with things in your past that made you feel very alone and unloved. So, for you, at least you know you won’t be alone if you stay in the relationship, even if you do feel unloved. That feeling of not being loved is something you may have become callused to. The idea of it hurts but you’ve grown to expect it. Being alone would hurt way worse in your brain, so you’ve stuck around despite the consequences.
Does this feel familiar? It’s because this is who narcissists look for. They want someone who is easy to pick on. Same idea of a bully in grade school. They only pick on the ones smaller than them because they know they won’t fight back.
And then you tell yourself that you can change them. That you just want to help them. You tell yourself every lie you possibly can that will make it make sense as to why you can’t leave them. But deep down you know you deserve more. So, it’s time to get more, Friend.
I had a feeling this would turn into a third part. If you related with anything from the last couple paragraphs, then I encourage you to check out next weeks blog. I am going to help walk you through steps that you can take to help you safely walk away from this relationship. My goal is to not only help you to feel safe doing so, but also to feel strong enough emotionally.
Please note: If this person is your spouse, I think it’s important to note that this may look a little different for you and I will touch on that in my next blog as well!
I know this feels hard and scary and vulnerable. But, I promise you CAN do this! Like always, you aren’t alone! And if the situation involves physical abuse, don’t wait until next week. Call someone and ask for help! Physical abuse is NEVER ok and will NEVER get better if they refuse to see they have a problem.
As always, reach out if you need a friend to talk to! My virtual door is always open when I’m not asleep or tending to children (see the boundary there lol).
See ya next time friend!
