Welcome Back!
Something we talk about a lot is being honest with ourselves. Recently we talked about the topic of pride and how there is a type of pride where you tell yourself that there is an area in your life that you’re good in and don’t need to work on. But what about when you DO know that you need to grow in an area but just refuse to? That could look like pride, but I wouldn’t call it that. What I’d call it is something that is going to sound like another dirty word and make you want to put those walls up, but if you are wanting peace in your life and mind, then stay with me. I’d call it stubbornness. It is one thing to have yourself SO convinced that you don’t need to grow in an area, and another to just decide that you don’t want to. Why would we know we need to work on an area and just CHOOSE not to?
Did you just answer that in your head? Do you know why this happens without me even having to say anything? Does this topic make you want to shut down or walk away? Keep those walls down, you’re here for a reason!
The answer is fear. (Per usual)
Being stubborn is another trusty ol’ coping mechanism! Being stubborn is another way we “protect” ourselves from experiencing past pain. And it is defiantly an area that most of us will reach at some point during our healing journey. Some may be more stubborn than others, but we will all reach a point where something feels very unfamiliar and makes us uneasy. But what could we possibly be afraid of when it comes to working on ourselves that would make us want to completely throw in the towel?
The answer: fear of the unknown.
Stepping into an area that we’ve never been before is SO incredibly vulnerable. It is one thing to walk into something that produced negative outcomes in the past. Those kind of experiences definitely cause coping mechanisms but at least the fear behind those are something we can identify. We may still tend to get stubborn in those areas and not want to do it, but there is usually still a willingness to try it again at some point because deep down, we desire to see a positive outcome. But in today’s blog, that’s not the kind of stubbornness we are talking about. Today we are talking about the kind where we immediately halt and are more willing to fight tooth and nail or completely zone out before we are even open to having a conversation about THAT. THAT is an area that we avoid because it means walking into something that feels TOO unfamiliar, rather than the other example where it felt too familiar.
I see this a lot with christians, but honestly it applies to everyone. There are areas in our life that we think we HAVE to control. Whether that is finances, image, needs being met, etc. Letting go of that control means entering into an area we don’t know, we wonder how it will feel, or what it will look like, etc. From experience I’ve found this to be the strongest when it comes to image. It is common with those other areas but sometimes we can find loopholes in our mind that allows us to trust that it will be ok. Or sometimes it’s more of we just get tired of controlling it and finally just surrender. But when it comes to image or identity, being judged is something we feel like we can’t handle. We’ve said this in the past, but when the outcome has to do with others instead of just ourselves, that produces a whole new level of fear.
So, how do we overcome this?
There are a couple different approaches. Think of this like getting into a swimming pool that is cold. You can either take it slow and ease into it, or you can just jump in all at once.
In terms of easing into it, you’re just going to take it one step at a time. First, you’re going to CHOOSE to stop being stubborn. This may look like just simply admitting that you are being stubborn. That awareness is a great first step. Admitting that you are afraid is also another good first step. If you can recognize underlying reasons why you are afraid, that can be helpful too. Then, the next step is finding an accountability buddy and letting them know what your goal is and what you are working to overcome. You may still be afraid but you have to remember that staying where you are will never get you to where you want to go. And sometimes some situations are going to feel scary no matter what you do, so you might as well choose the option that has the ability to produce growth and healing! These kind of reminders are also great to tell yourself daily. And then, you do it scared!
And example of this could be a christian who is wanting to go deeper with God, but every time you start to you feel yourself convicted to do something uncomfortable or to give something up to get closer to Him, you resist it. What I find happens a lot as we go deeper with God is He will convict us to give up the things we are serving more than Him. The things that we are using to cope or hide rather than turning to Him. For me it started with how I dressed. This was HARDDDDD because to get the attention I was looking for, which was to feel pretty because I thought that would make more people like me, I had to look a certain way. So, when I felt convicted to change that, it wasn’t because it was a heaven or hell issue, it was because it was causing me to look to the world more than to Him. So, I gradually started making changes. I stopped showing my cleavage. Then I stopped wearing things that were tight on my legs and behind. I started covering myself more than I had all my life. And in that same time frame I was also convicted to stop wearing make up. He wanted me to feel beautiful in the skin He gave me. So, I started wearing less and less until eventually I stopped altogether. I cannot explain to you the difference this made with my obsession with my appearance. Now, don’t get me wrong, I still have my moments. But I have learned that those are my red flags that I’m in an unhealthy place and I have set up a plan of action for those moments. These were my personal convictions, yours may look different or come in different ways, but regardless YOU CAN DO IT! No matter how raw and vulnerable it makes you feel, YOU CAN DO IT! And when you do, there is a such a feeling of freedom that comes. A little bit of that weight you’ve been carrying around will fall off and it is amazing!
The other way we mentioned when it comes to overcoming stubbornness is to just make the decision and jump right in. Have you ever tried the 3, 2, 1 approach with anything? Going LIVE on Facebook was something that some do this technique with. It’s where you don’t give yourself time to think. You just GO! This can be done when it comes to being stubborn as well. But what this might look like is “shouting to the world”, if you will, your plan of action. You make it very known to those around you that you have been living in a place of fear and are ready to go all in to get out of it. I am not saying you have to be specific, but it is a lot harder to not go through with something when everyone around you knows what you’re working towards. An example of this that I’ve personally seen in my life is while helping others switch to natural products. Some people will switch things out as they run out and others take everything that is toxic and give it away and completely make that switch. This is probably not the best example when it comes to mental health stuff but you can see what I’m saying, right? So, in my example of feeling convicted about how I looked, someone in this scenario might immediately take everything away and force themself to just do it! For a lot this may feel scary, but for some this may be the only way you actually follow through with your goal. There are some people who will never get into that cold pool because they can’t handle how cold it is so the only way they will follow through is by just jumping in!
Either way is fine! But it is SOOO important that you be honest with yourself and make the decision that is going to ACTUALLY help you achieve that goal! Stubbornness has been something that has kept you safe, sure, but it has also kept you stuck, and we don’t want that anymore!
Maybe for some, the change you need to work on doesn’t involve physical things. Maybe this is mental. Maybe this is a choice you need to make. Maybe this is learning how to love someone or forgive someone. And if that is the case, your step one is going to look similar to the first example. First you are going to bring that awareness to the forefront of your mind. Then find that accountability so you have someone you can go to when it feels hard! And then I want you to go back and read my past messages again. It is SO common to think you are healing from something while on your journey and half way through find something else and have to go back to previous lessons you learned and apply them again. Is this exhausting? Yes! But is it worth it because it produces more freedom? YES! The goal here is to always be moving forward, always be open to more growth, and always remember that you are human so falling down will happen. Healing never looks the same for everyone, but EVERYONE should always be working on healing. You aren’t alone!
You’ve got this, friend!
I want to add one last thought for my christian friends! And I’m saying this to use as motivation, not to be used by the enemy to make you feel a certain negative way, so tell him to kick rocks if he try’s that, ok?! We addressed that stubbornness is knowing you should do something but choosing not to do it. Well, another word for this is rebellion. When we feel convicted to do something, or change something, and we do not, it is a form of rebellion. James 4:17 says “So whoever knows the right thing to do, and fails to do it, for him it is sin.” If you heard that and any feeling other than conviction raised up in you, SHUT IT DOWN! Listen, there are two ways to read the Bible: to agree with your desires or to agree with Gods. That’s it. If we want to know God, we have to understand that the boundaries He has set in place for us are to protect us. Does this mean being vulnerable sometimes? Yeah. Does it mean putting things down that please our flesh? Yeah. But does it mean we can’t find joy in things that please Him, NO WAY. There is so much peace when we take God’s correction and apply it to our lives. Following His way will not necessarily mean being “happy” but it does mean having peace and joy. And if you are new here, and don’t understand the difference between happiness and joy, I recommend starting from season one! So, if there is an area you know you need to walk into, pick a system we mentioned above, and walk towards it! You aren’t in this alone, so, when it feels hard or scary, phone a friend! (There’s a message on that too lol). But whatever you do, just don’t stay stuck anymore!
It is time to experience complete freedom!