Welcome back!
Have you ever been struggling to “get over” something and someone told that “you need to forgive like Jesus forgives,” or that you “need to forgive and forget” and then you find yourself struggling to forgive because the idea of dismissing the pain that you feel is too hard? Or the idea of allowing yourself to be in the same situation and being subjected to being hurt again is too painful, so you find yourself struggling to truly forgive?
My goal today is to help you better understand what it looks like to truly forgive WITHOUT subjecting yourself to that same pain, while still allowing your feelings to be heard. So, let’s dive into it!
Forgiveness is another MANDATORY tool in order to heal and grow. But I’m not talking about surface level forgiveness where you tell yourself you don’t care anymore but deep down you still do and then you end up building another layer of walls around your heart. I am talking about the type of forgiveness that allows you to feel freedom. But for some, hearing that last statement could send them into limbic land because they feel like they would rather be protected/safe than feel freedom. And if you are that person, I want you to take a deep breath because there IS a way you can experience both!
For a lot of people forgiveness is hard. For some it’s because they believe forgiving means that what that person did will become justified or that it was okay. Some struggle because for them forgiveness means they are now vulnerable again. And for others, being unforgiving becomes the fuel to stay in control of what pain they allow in their life moving forward. But regardless of the reason, it all comes back to the same thing. Protection.
You are probably seeing a trend here. We are hardwired to live in survival mode. It’s the same concept of animals in the wild. We are designed to flee from physical pain but it was never intended to be emotional. It is one thing to avoid a situation that is dangerous, and another thing to avoid relationships or live with walls all around us. This is why we struggle in general to find lasting peace or joy because we were designed for relationships and actually long for them, even when its subconscious, but we also run from them because we have taken our survival instincts to an emotional level and convinced ourselves that in order to be safe we have to guard ourselves from them.
However, almost all of us have a major misunderstanding of what forgiveness actually looks like. You may have thought after reading that “no, it means that those people no longer owe me anything.” Which yes, that is true, but there is a much deeper level of understanding behind that thought process. A lot of people can easily say those words but still be holding onto resentment or still have walls built up because of their wounds. Forgiveness is NOT about them, or honestly even about the situation that happened. It is for you. It is so you can experience freedom and tear down the walls and the lies that that wound created. You may think holding on to that resentment is keeping you safe, but it is only keeping you from further experiencing joy. It keeps you bound to those unwanted thoughts and behaviors. Those things like anxiety, depression, self doubt/insecurities, anger, isolation, etc. And do you really want to live with those things? Or do you want to experience peace? Answer honestly!
Forgiveness does not mean that what happened to you was ok. And it definitely does not mean you need to continue to have a relationship with them. Yes the Bible says we need to forgive everyone but it does NOT say we need to trust everyone. However, it also does NOT tell us to fear everyone/everything either. And resentment, aka holding grudges or un forgiveness, ALWAYS is coming from a place of fear. So how do we go through painful situations and “get over them?”
You don’t.
You go through them. Getting over something and getting through something are two different things and the difference is the mindset and the outcome. In fact, this idea of “getting over” something is a lie. The mindset behind it is “if I tell myself that I don’t care anymore and I force myself to stop thinking about it or stressing about it, then I will be ok.” But we never are. We may suppress it, but it still affects us and how we view the world and relationships with others. It again, just forms or enforces coping behaviors. However, Getting through something means healing. It means facing the pain head on, taking back the control so we are no longer held captive by it, and then gaining an understanding and awareness of the truth of the situation. AKA HEALING!
When you can look at pain in the face and say, “this hurts and this stinks but you will not define me. Rejection does not mean I am unwanted. Betrayal does not mean I am unlovable. And not everyone will cause me that kind of pain. God says that I am chosen and worth more than gold. I recognize that that person/ those people was/ were reacting out of their own wounds and protection mode and I refuse to wear that as my own. I refuse to let this keep me from finding joy or love. Could I get hurt again, maybe. But could I also find fulfillment, absolutely. So, because of all that, I will not hold what that person did to me over their head and I will not keep it from affecting future relationships. That is their baggage and that is their pain, I do not need to let it carry over into my life.”
A person should never have to say “I’m sorry” for you to find peace, and more often than not even when they do say it, you still carry that weight with you afterwards. If you are offended or hurt by someone’s words, ask yourself why? And keep it focused on you. An example I often give is: if a random person on the street walked up to you and said the same thing that person who hurt you did, would it affect you the same way? Probably not because that random person doesn’t know you. Most would laugh it off or just walk away. Understand that the only way we can be offended is if there is still a part of us that is unhealed and we are struggling to trust God with it. And that is NOT the other person’s fault. If that person was blatantly rude to you, that is not ok. But being offended or feeling resentment towards someone is our own baggage. Therefore, what we need isn’t an apology, it is healing. And if what someone did to you was very traumatic, think about what it is that you are struggling to forgive. Is it what they did or how I made you feel about yourself? Is it what they did or is it the trust that was broken?
(Trigger warning: I’m going to talk about physical/ sexual abuse in this next paragraph)
As a child, if you experienced physical or sexual abuse, and you find yourself struggling to forgive, I want you to hear me out for a second. What happened to you is NEVER ok. But it was NOT your fault. You could never do anything that would deserve that kind of treatment/ punishment. There is such deep healing needed in these situations, and I want to help you find it, but today we are talking about forgiveness. And as I mentioned, forgiveness is not for them or even about what you went through, its freedom from the lies that came with those events. And the first step to that kind of freedom is to understand the truth about who you are. When you can start to understand that those people were broken people with their own fears they were running from and their own demons that were lying to them, and allow yourself to separate your character from what they did to you or said to you, you can start to experience freedom. They may be untrustworthy, but not everyone will do those things to you. Your feelings matter. Your voice matters. And both are justified. But it’s time to no longer be bound to that experience. It’s time for that experience to no longer dictate how you feel about yourself or others. And I STRONGLY encourage you to memorize every scripture of who God says you are and read it every day! (If you don’t know where to find those, message me!)
I didn’t expect this to be as long as it is and I really want to dive more into how to walk into forgiveness now that we have a better understanding of what it is and how to know if you truly have forgiven. And how to lower those guards and feel safe while doing it. So, I will pick back up here next week! Moral of the story is, don’t hurt yourself anymore than you were already hurt by holding onto something that was never meant to be yours. Hurt people hurt people, and wearing that pain as a shield may keep some pain out but it also keeps A LOT of joy and peace out too.
There is another shield that you can wear that will protect you from the things you truly need protected from while also letting joy and peace in, and that is what we will touch more on next week!
P.S. If any of this dug up any old wounds and you feel like you need to go more in depth about them, PLEASE REACH OUT. The last thing I want to to do is leave you sitting in old wounds without knowing what to do with those feelings or that pain. Do not wait until next week if that is you. Find me on socials or email me at reflectionscollection@yahoo.com. I am so thankful you are here and I can’t wait to continue walking with you into your healing journey! See you next week!
