Just Breathe
If you have been following this blog in order, that means you now are able to recognize the red flags in your feelings. You should also be able to more easily recognize when you are a in an unhealthy place mentally, where making a decision could result in a reaction or a behavior that is also unhealthy. And, obviously we don’t want to do that!
So, what do we do in the moment when we are feeling angry or anxious?!
We breathe. Literally and metaphorically. lol
I have created an acronym/ system to better help remind you of what to do to quickly process what you are feeling and be able to better respond, rather than react in an unhealthy way! However, I want to make it known that this should not be used to replace deeper healing/ therapy. It’s simply a way to help you in the moment until you can develop healthier habits in the future.
Ok, are you ready? Here we go!
B: BREATHE. (See why I said literally and metaphorically? Lol) When you are faced with a situation that is making you feel angry or anxious, STOP and literally take deep breaths. Sometimes even saying “inhale, exhale” while you do it. It may feel weird but I promise, it helps!
R: REFLECT on what is happening. What red flags are you noticing. What wounds are being poked? What buttons are being pressed?
E: EVALUATE your EMOTIONS. What are the beliefs you’re believing about yourself? What thoughts did that situation make you think about yourself? And how are these things making you feel about yourself. Be specific and name the emotion(s).
A: ASK yourself questions. Can you remember feeling these things or thinking these thoughts growing up? What happened then? What is happening now? Who was it that hurt you then? Did they hurt you a lot? Who was it that poked your wound now? Do they do it a lot? ACKNOWLEDGE the differences from then and now. If the situations are with the same person that put that wound there or if this person is constantly poking wounds, then a deeper conversation needs to take place or it may be best to walk away from this person because they may be unwilling to be a part of your healing journey or help you finish this exercise. (I’ll come back to this.) But typically this is not the case. Usually our wounds get poked by people who are unaware they are there and did not do it intentionally.
T: Tell yourself TRUTHS. Remind yourself that this situation is different. That this person does not normally hurt you. Maybe they are having a bad day. Maybe you are mind reading or making assumptions, so a truth may be to remind yourself that your feelings are not facts and there could be other reasons that something happened other than just the one you came up with in your head. Remember, we can only present facts in court. Not thoughts or feelings. And If that person is someone who is constantly hurting you, truths might be that you’re no longer a small helpless child. You are an adult and you are safe. It could also mean being honest with yourself on if some boundaries need to be set around that person. And if that person is constantly hurting you, now might not be the moment to move on to the next letter. You may move straight to E and save the conversation for a litter later after you’ve experienced deeper healing with that wound!
H: HEAR ME OUT/ HEAR THEM OUT. Approach the situation or conversation by communicating that you are having a limbic reaction and are trying to work on how you respond. Let them know that when “this” happened/ was said, it reminded you of a time you felt like “that”. Be careful with your words not to make it seem like you are blaming them for the way you felt, but rather just explaining how you felt when it happened. Avoid using words like “you” or “made” or anything that might indicate you are saying its their fault you felt that way. And then allow them to tell you what they really meant or what they really said. This could resolve instantly or this could take some extra processing. I will share more about this topic in my next blog, so be on the look out for that!
E: ESTABLISH a game plan for when this happens again. This could also be where you set boundaries if that person was constantly hurting you. But for any other situation, this would be where you would figure out how to move forward if that wound gets pushed again. It could be as simple as just be more aware so you don’t have to keep repeating this process. Or it could be you set up an accountability system with that person so you guys are better at communicating with each other! This could look like a lot of different things, and I plan to go more in depth with this in another blog. But for now just keep this achievable and make the end goal to be able to more quickly respond in a healthy way vs. react in an unhealthy way or run to a coping mechanism.
Again, this isn’t meant to be used to replace actual healing and counseling! This is just a practical tool to help you in the moment as you walk through your healing journey! This may take practice, and that's ok, but don't give up! This is a tried and true system and you deserve to experience moments of healing! If you need anything or have questions, don't hesitate to reach out!
