Did you read my title in song form like I did when I wrote it? Lol We are about to dive into a topic that is going to feel a little cringe worthy to some but I promise it’s necessary. One of the biggest struggles I find with others when they step into their healing journey is how to cry. Which sounds so silly, but there is actually more to unpack here than you might think!
Crying is a MAJOR release. It is SOO necessary while you are growing/healing and experiencing those big emotions to have a way to let it out. For most of us, anger or blocking it out has always been that release. And for others it is usually unhealthy crying. Knowing how to express emotions and feelings is one big obstacle that we all face while stepping into healing, but crying from a HEALTHY place is a whole other one.
When it comes to crying there is this fine line between not crying enough and crying too much. If you don’t ever cry then there is a very good chance you have shut yourself off emotionally. And if you cry too much, then more than likely you are stuck in limbic land and hyper focusing on all the negative things you are thinking/ feeling. Both are not places we want to be and neither of those places will allow us to heal/ grow.
When it comes to those who never cry, this is probably a weird topic for you. But hopefully by now you have been following along and have made the choice to step out of comfort zones. This is probably one of the biggest comfort zones for you and one of the most vulnerable places for you. Maybe crying is something you got put down for? At some point you adapted this belief that crying was for those who were weak or if you cried then you were a cry baby? Maybe you were afraid you’d be judged in a negative way? But I also have a feeling that whatever you resort to instead of crying probably doesn’t feel good or get you anywhere either. Am I right? Anger is really the only other way to release negative feelings, but this honestly doesn’t release anything at all. It may feel good to lash out for a moment, but afterwards you still feel the heaviness or isolation. You more than likely still deal with that overwhelm in your gut or mind and struggle with anxiety. Am I reading your mail yet? There is only one way to release and feel freedom/ peace afterwards, and that is a good, healthy cry! But how do we allow ourselves to do this? Hang tight, because we are going to go into it in a second!
The other group I mentioned were those that cry but they do so from another unhealthy place: being stuck in negative land. That place where all you can see is everything that has gone wrong or is going wrong around you. And while yes, crying is a release usually, sometimes it can also keep you stuck. For some, crying may also be the only way you ever were able to get attention. Remember, seeking attention may sound like another “ew” word, it’s just a part of being human. We all have needs and it’s natural to want to seek attention. But we are here because we want to find freedom and peace, and we cannot do that while living in an unhealthy mindset focused on everything negative around us and seeking our needs to be met in unhealthy ways.
So, back to that question of how do we overcome these unhealthy patterns and learn to release in a healthy way…
Step 1: Take those thoughts to court! This is like taking your thoughts captive, but you are also putting them in their place! Lol Understand why you are choosing this route to handle your emotions. If you are choosing anger as your release instead of allowing yourself to cry: what is it you are afraid of? And don’t tell me you aren’t because I promise you are. There is something holding you back and it usually has to do with our character being judged, whether its by others OR yourself! Remind yourself of those truths that we’ve been talking about and also of the fact that what you’ve been doing isn’t helping you find lasting peace or freedom. Continuing to choose anger as your release will keep you stuck in the unhealthy behaviors you no longer want to be in. And if you are someone who is always seeing the negative or truly believes that there isn’t anything good in your life, what you are missing is hope.
There is an influencer named Leslie Burris that has a really cool saying when it comes to hope. She says, “hope is the anxious expectation that God is up to something good on your behalf.” And Proverbs 13:12 says, “Hope deferred maketh the heart sick: But when the desire cometh, it is a tree of life.” The key to hope is expectation. It’s not about knowing how or when but just about the fact that IT WILL happen or IT WILL be ok!
Maybe you truly are going through something extremely hard. Do not discredit that! A lot of times we struggle to find hope because it feels like it will discredit what we are going through, or what we went through. This is the same reason we go straight to anger/ anxiety. There is a belief in that moment that we have to handle that pain right then and there. Please know that in order to fully heal you HAVE to allow yourself to feel that pain but a lot of times we need to reset our brain to a healthy place so we don’t react limbicaly before we feel that pain. And the way we do that is with remembering what is true and switching our focus! In the moment that we see or feel the pain or hard situations we are dealing with, you have to CHOOSE to be aware of your thoughts and if they are healthy or not. You have to CHOOSE what you are going to think and speak over yourself or that situation. Anger is just an unhealthy of a place as overly focusing on negative situations, so CHOOSE to speak life and truth over that situation. If you are new here and don’t know what that truth is, I encourage you to follow along with the previous messages before moving any further!
Step 2: Make the choice to be vulnerable. Often times this involves communicating where you are at. This could be talking it out with God or a friend, but I highly suggest that you start with God and then if needed follow up with a HEALTHY relationship. If you don’t have a healthy relationship, then you could try another safe space like a pastor you trust, counselor, or you could even reach out to me! But it is important that you vocalize that you are struggling. And when you do this you want to focus on using “I” statements. Focus on your feelings, not your thoughts. (We will come back to this)
Step 3: This goes STRAIGHT from step 2 into step 3, which is to also remember to listen. Letting someone pour back into you that can ask you questions to help you go deeper into how you are feeling. We CANNOT stay surface level. And if you made that choice to go to God first, it is especially important to listen, even while you are talking. Make sure you are talking out loud and be ready for Him to respond to you. This may feel like chills all over or He may put a thought in your head, but regardless of how He communicates with you, you will know it’s Him because you’ll either feel peace or it will be the opposite of what you’re feeling.
Typically this is when the crying might happen if you aren’t used to crying. Regardless of if you never cry or cry often, the key here is to cry without thinking. Sounds weird, right? But the best way to cry and stay in a healthy place is to just focus on your honest feelings. Stay away from all inclusive statements like “always”, “never”, “everyone”, etc. Remember the red flags from our first blog? Season 1 is full of tools to help you when it comes to healthy mindsets, conversations, etc. While you cry, the focus is just releasing. Words and thoughts don’t even have to be involved! Just let yourself feel the pain and release the weight of it. In fact, if at any point you feel yourself spiraling into negativity/ limbic land, and you can’t shut off your thoughts, I want you to take those thoughts or words you’re thinking/ saying and direct them to God. And as long as you’re open to correction, truth, and love in that moment, you’d be amazed at what that can do for your mindset! Be ready to be wrapped in love and probably cry a little harder! This is ok! The deeper the cry, the less thoughts and words can get in the way and the bigger the release you will feel!
If at any point this cry gets aggressive, meaning you are struggling to breathe, you are no longer in a healthy cry. To get yourself out of this you HAVE to force yourself to BREATHE! Remember the number 7! Inhale 7 exhale 7. This will slow down your mind and body at the same time. Count in your head as you do it. This will distract you and get you back to a healthy state. Fun fact: 7 is the number of rest! And that’s what we are doing. We are resting your mind. This works when any form of anxiety or overwhelm is overtaking us! Remember, YOU have control over your body. It’s not the other way around!
The last thing I want to mention when it comes to crying is the fear of judgement. A lot of times we avoid going to people when we know we are going to cry or hold back our emotions when we are in public. Sound familiar? The idea of crying in front of others may cause you anxiety. This is where communication comes in handy. You don’t have to tell those around you everything going on, but if you feel like you need to cry and don’t have a quiet/ safe place you can go to to do so, then just allow yourself to release, stay calm, and communicate. Just simply let them know you are ok but you are going through something and just have to let it out so you can keep moving forward. Sure, some may have opinions about this but your health is not up to them. It is up to you! You know that saying “if you don’t pay my bills, you don’t get an opinion”? The same principle applies here. Your mental health is up to YOU and sometimes it means finding out who your real friends are. Healthy friends will respect your needs and your journey. Those are the only ones you need right now. Remember that! And keep reminding yourself of those truths we mentioned before! You CAN do this!
This may take some getting used to. Maybe find someone that can be an accountability partner for you and your healing journey. Not just for crying but in general. Let them know the areas, like this one, that you struggle with. Maybe even see if they will read this blog as well so they can better understand. But regardless, let them know what you are working towards so they can remind you in those hard moments! YOU GOT THIS BECAUSE GOD’S GOT YOU! Keep going, friend! You are getting stronger everyday and I am so proud of you! See you next week!