**If you would prefer to watch or listen rather than read, check out the links at the bottom!**
Lets chat about red flags!
In relationships these would be signs that show us that things are not healthy and we shouldn’t proceed any further. Some of us are more aware than others and tend to be on the look out for these things. But usually most people can when something isn’t healthy and know it’s a bad idea to continue down that road!
However, today I’m not talking about red flags in relationships with other people. I’m talking about within ourselves. And again, I’m not talking about personality traits. I’m talking about finding the red flags in our thoughts and feelings! A lot of the time we will say we feel like our heart Is telling us to do something. But when we say we are following our hearts, what does that even mean? Obviously we arent going to be following the heart in our chest who’s only job is to pump blood throughout our body. We are talking about our limbic system.
The limbic system is the part of our brain where we make decisions. It’s also the part of the brain where memories are stored. So, what happens is when we have a painful memory, it tries to protect us by not allowing us to do that again. For example, if you touch a hot stove as a child and get burnt, your limbic system is going to remind you of that moment the next time you feel something hot, even if its not a stove. The same thing happens with our feelings. When we emotionally feel pain, it tries to keep us from experiencing that again. This is how coping behaviors and beliefs about ourselves and the world around us are formed.
Knowing this about ourselves and being able to identify when we are having a limbic reaction are HUGE steps to being able to override this system and learn and heal so we can move on and not stay stuck in that pain any longer. SO, here are SIX red flags or indications that we are in what I like to call “Limbic Land” as well as some tools to help us get out of it!
Red Flag Number One: Isolation!
Isolation or flight mode is not something that we were born into. It’s something that we adapt to after certain struggles we face. We believe it’s the only safe option we have. But isolation is a lonely place that the devil speaks to us the loudest. He reminds us of all the reasons we should stay there. But another name for the devil is Liar. A big fat one too. The Father of Lies!
The truth is, God designed us to desire relationships. With Him and with others. Literally every mammal on earth desires companionship. We weren’t designed to be alone or isolated. This is why when we feel like we should be, it’s our indicator (or red flag), that we are listening to the wrong voice and are about to make a decision that will never lead to growth.
So, the best way to fight this is to go against it! To go to someone and say, “I’m feeling like I need to isolate and I don’t want to.” Go for a walk. Go to the gym. Anything you can do to put yourself around others. If you can’t physically go somewhere then put yourself around uplifting people virtually. Find a sermon or a podcast that can lift you up. You see, isolation isn’t the problem, it’s the symptom. Fight past that symptom and remind yourself that even if you did experience pain from (xyz), that doesn’t mean it will happen again! Awareness is the key to overcoming!!
Red Flag Number Two: All Inclusive Statements
All inclusive statements are a BIG indication we are reacting to something that feels like an old wound! The reality is, it’s very unlikely that this situation ALWAYS has the same turnout but I do understand that it feels that way sometimes. Your feelings may be valid here, but if it feels like you’re getting the same outcome a lot then it is probably because you are expecting the same outcome every time! A lot of the time, how we handle a situation dictates the outcome.
The next time you find yourself saying all inclusive statements and expecting the same outcome, change your words. You may not believe what you are saying, but that’s not as important in the beginning.
It’s more important to just understand that if you continue to use those same words and have those same thoughts, you will more than likely produce the same outcome. And honestly, even if you get a different outcome, you won’t notice it because you’ll still have the mindset that next time it’s going to happen again. We have to focus on what we want the outcome to be, not the way it was before!
Your words have power. Your awareness has power. So, when the two combine, you then have the power to overcome any stronghold keeping you stuck, and walk towards healing and change! This will take time and practice. The first step is recognizing how you are reacting to a situation and focusing on the outcome you want to happen!!
Red Flag Number Three: Comparison
Comparison, good or bad, is always a big red flag that we are reacting to a wound! But how do we get out of it?! With reminders! Verbal reminders, written reminders, visual reminders, ect. All the reminders!
The reason this one is harder to get out of is because it’s stemming from a belief that we aren’t good enough or we need to be better than someone else in order to be successful or to be loved or seen!
Step 1. Read what God says about you. Remind yourself that you were created to be YOU. What are you passionate about? What are your dreams? Those are typically the things you were called to be or do! (Think back to when you were a child if you aren’t sure.) If you are focusing on anything other than that, you will more than likely stumble or feel stuck.
Step 2: Understand your mind and your wounds. This is best done with someone who can counsel you or help you process your past. But if you don’t have either of those options, the best thing you can do is remind yourself that you are no longer a 5 year old child who was rejected or neglected. Remind yourself that God that has always seen you. He wants to protect you. You don’t have to stay stuck in protection mode.
Remind yourself of these things daily. Whether they are with podcasts, church groups or communities, reading books or watch videos about healing, etc. Write down notes from those and stick them on post it notes so you can see them every day. I’ll share more about processing in another series too so be sure you are following along!
Red Flag Number Four: All or Nothing Thinking
An example would be thoughts like, “if I can’t have something exacting the way I want it, then I can’t have it at all.” This isn’t realistic.
But this is a very common mentality a lot of wounded people experience. It’s honestly a form of control and control is ALWAYS a sign of a wound. If we can’t control the outcome in order to save ourself from experiencing pain or rejection, then we can’t be a part of it all.
Anxiety is a big part of this one too, which is pretty typical because control and anxiety go hand in hand. But it does make it a littler harder to come out of.
Deep breaths, friend! Lots of deep breaths! The thoughts you are having aren’t as important as the beliefs behind them.
The key here is to find ways to calm your mind. Allow yourself to speak from a place of expressing your emotions or fears, rather than from negative beliefs you are feeling.
So, for example a fear that I used to deal with was feeling like I wasn’t a priority to others. So, when I would make plans with someone and they had to reschedule I would get upset and think things like, “I just need to stop getting excited about anything, It never works out anyway because there’s always something more important than me.”
This is kind of a mix between all inclusive statements and all or nothing thinking. Since having gone through counseling, I can now recognize that the wound of feeling less than is being poked but the reality is, sometimes plans change. Those feelings might still be there and feel real, but I’ve learned to be honest with my words.
Instead of saying, “they don’t care about me” or “I need to stop getting excited about things”, I might say, “well this stinks. I was really looking forward to that and it doesn’t feel fair that I have to wait.”
Both statements are coming from the feeling of disappointment but one is healthy and one is not. Keeping your words centered around what you are truly feeling rather than repeating old negative coping thoughts is key!
Red Flag Number Five: Bullying Yourself or Others!
This is a big red flag that we see as a toxic trait when it’s coming from others but tend to justify when it’s coming from ourselves. It’s one of those key three reactions of fight, flight, or freeze. Fight is a HUGE indicator that a wound has been poked. So, in order to protect ourselves or have our feelings/ voice be heard, we have to make sure they feel the same pain or recognize how mad they just “made us”.
There are a couple things I want to address with this one.
No-one can make you feel anything. You either allow yourself to react to something or you don’t. They can’t MAKE you feel a certain way.
9 times out of 10, They didn’t put that wound there, they just poked it. And honestly, if it was someone who doesn’t normally poke your wounds or even know that they exist, then it was more than likely not intentional.
So, what happens is, we take any anger or resentment we have towards whoever did in fact put the wound there, and we take it out on the person who poked it, whether it was intentional or not. Mind reading or making assumptions will usually step in after this one too and we will start justifying our actions and our words by putting them down and acting like they knew exactly what they did. (More on that soon)
The other thing I want to point out is that lashing out at someone NEVER makes you heard. They may hear the mean things you are saying but they don’t hear what you want them to hear in that moment, which is that your feelings are hurt and you don’t like what they said. And until you actually share that with them, there will never be healthy conversation or resolve.
The other type of bulling is when we start name calling ourself. When we start saying, “I’m this” or “I’m that.” “I will never be this because I am not good enough at that.” This kind of falls into the all or nothing thinking as well. And usually stems from a place of a “what’s the point” mentality.
If this is you, My questions are: Do you want healthy relationships? Do you want to be seen and heard?” You may have just answered this with a “yes, BUT” statement in your head. Stop, ask yourself again but this time all you get to say is yes or no.
I think everyone just answered yes. SO. the way we move past this one is to: 1. Be aware. 2. Remind ourselves of what we want the outcome to be in that moment and 3. Change our words.
If you accidentally lash out, apologize immediately and let them know you didn’t mean to do that. Let them know you are working on yourself and that is an old coping mechanism. You don’t have to share all about the wound they poked, but at least let them know that what was said poked a wound for you and it hurt your feelings.
I don’t care if you just heard that and your brain said, “eww that’s weird, I don’t talk about my feelings.” I know you don’t, and that’s why you are still stuck. So. force yourself to walk towards the outcome you want and stop beating yourself and others up in the process.
Red Flag Number Six: Making Assumptions and Mind Reading
I’ve mentioned this one a few times already because it’s one that always seems to follow up the other red flags.
We make up stories in situations that feel uncomfortable or familiar to something painful. And then to protect ourselves we say things like, “if that’s how they are going to act then this must be how they really feel” or “I’m sure what they really meant by this was...”
STOPPPPPPPPP ITTTTTTTTTT. HUGE RED FLAG!
How do you change this? By either having a conversation and asking them to elaborate more about whatever they said or did and sharing with them how you are feeling. OR by only allowing yourself to see/ hear the words they ACTUALLY said.
Recognize that if something that was said made you feel similar to how someone else had hurt you in the past, they are not that person.
And then, think of this like court. When you go to court you can only bring ACTUAL evidence. The jury is not allowed to take a single note on anything that was a thought or assumption. So, when you are taking someone to court in this example, ONLY allow yourself to review actual evidence.
What is their character like? Have they hurt you in the past? Or did they just poke a wound that someone else put there a long time ago? Up until that moment that wound was poked, was everything ok? Did you feel like you had a healthy relationship leading up to that point?
Obviously if your history with that person is unhealthy, then it’s probably time to take a step back. But if it was healthy, and you are having a limbic reaction, then its time to take a deep breath and have a conversation with them ABOUT YOU.
Not about what they said or did. Not about how you wish they would have done something different.
But focus on letting them into your wound so they can understand you better and understand how to better communicate with you moving forward. If the relationship is a healthy relationship then this will be healing for you. But if you took them to Limbic Land Court and the evidence showed that the relationship was already toxic, it’s time to move on. (I’ll touch on this one in another series too.)
But either way, you aren’t staying stuck in the same spot like you would with mind reading. You aren’t wasting your time and energy making up stories in your head and questioning your worth. More than likely if the relationship was toxic, it had nothing to do with ONLY your character or your character at all. And if the relationship was healthy, it still had nothing to do with your character. So instead of spending all your time convincing yourself of whatever it is to try and protect yourself, focus on the facts!
The next step after becoming aware of these red flags is learning how to communicate when you are experiencing these unhealthy emotions.
I just gave you a bunch of tools to get started on recognizing where you are at emotionally, but what do you do from there? Stay tuned because each series released moving forward will help you to continue to understand yourself and learn how to better communicate, set boundaries, adjust your focus, process your wounds, and ultimately heal from strongholds that have kept you bound for so long!
XOXO Jerrica
PS. Each series will have a shirt that goes with it! This series' shirt is "don't believe everything you feel" reflection shirt!! This design will appear backwards to everyone else but you will be able to read it correctly when you look in the mirror!
