Welcome back!
We have gone over the “Dos and Don’ts” of a healthy conversation and how to know when to set boundaries or walk away. But how do we know if our boundary is healthy or not? We learned that boundaries are our way of protecting ourselves and the relationship, but isn’t that what building walls does too? So, how do we tell the difference between isolating and building walls vs. setting healthy boundaries? Let’s talk about it!
The biggest indication is going to be your attitude/ mindset. What are you speaking over this person? Are you feeling angry? Do you have any compassion or love? Are you going numb and saying things like “I don’t even care, it’s whatever!”
In the Just Breathe blog/ podcast we talk about a system to help us have a healthy RESPONSE vs an unhealthy REACTION when we get triggered. And in that system, E stands for evaluate your emotions. The way you do this is by paying attention to your words and thoughts. They will ALWAYS dictate your next move.
If you’ve been following along, you know the past couple blogs were about knowing when a relationship is unhealthy and you need to walk away. In the last blog we went over steps to do this in a healthy way. But this blog is about those relationships you want to stay in and improve, and the other person is someone who can handle you expressing how you feel.
If you are feeling angry, bitter, resentful, jealous, or any other negative emotion about someone, you are NOT in the right headspace to be setting a healthy boundary. Any decision made in those feelings will almost always result in an unhealthy boundary. Which leads me to my first step,
- CALM yourself down! This is where that BREATHE system comes into play. Get yourself to a place where you can honestly remind yourself of truths. Who is this person? Why are they in your life? Have you expressed how you feel in a calm way? Have they hurt you before and does it happen often? Who does God say they are? You WILL NOT be able to move on to the next step until you can turn your anger or pain into sadness and compassion.
- The next step is to get yourself into a place of compassion. The truth is, we are all humans and we all make mistakes. We all have wounds and triggers and unhealthy coping mechanisms. If this person isn’t a malicious person, they are probably going through something. Now obviously that doesn’t make hurting you ok, so that’s why we are going to set a boundary. But when you can get to a place where you are not thinking mean or negative things about them or the situation, ask yourself this question: How can I protect this relationship? They may not be able to be your person for everything. They may not be at a place to be who you are wanting them to be. Or you both just may just be at a place where you both need to focus on something and then come back together. So, how can you protect yourself and the relationship?
Before we move into the next step I want to give some examples of what this may look like.
a. Maybe you have a spouse that has a bad habit that you don’t want to be a part of. This is where a boundary would be set! I personally went through this with my husband. He had an addiction to nicotine and we had had a conversation were felt uncomfortable with him doing this while starting a family. I had a major fear of him getting cancer and it made me very uneasy. I told him that I wasn’t giving him an ultimatum but I just didn’t feel comfortable starting a family until he was no longer doing it. We went back and forth with this because as most of us know, when it comes to addiction you have to quit because you want to. Not for anyone else. Later down the road, he admitted he was ready and he quit briefly. Fast forward a little, we have our first son and I find out he’s doing it again. I felt slightly manipulated, which may seem crazy to some but there is a lot more to this story I left out. I was pretty angry but I was talking to a friend and she told me “it’s your job as his wife to support him. Not his addiction. But he has to know you believe in him.” I was NOT happy about this advice but this was when I introduced some boundaries. I told him that if this was something he was going to do, I didn’t want to be around it. I asked that he not have it around me or our son and that he put a limit on how much of our money he spent on it. Eventually he ended up deciding to actually give it up and has been clean for 2 years now! But my point is, I let him know that I loved him despite this but I just needed him to respect my boundaries with it.
b. Another example would be if you have a friend who is expecting you to be there for them 24/7. They are constantly wanting to talk about themselves but rarely is available for you or maybe doesn’t even attempt to be there for you. You find your other responsibilities neglected because so much of your time is spent with this friend. A healthy boundary here would be to set a time frame that you are available to talk. A deep conversation isn’t necessarily what needs to happen, but let them know that you are restructuring how you spend your time and focusing more on a specific priority for a while. You can still be sensitive to them without catering to them. You can let them know that you are still there for them but it may have to no longer be phone calls, but rather texts that you can respond to when you can. Or maybe you schedule out certain times or days that you guys catch up. This conversation doesn’t have to be about all the things you don’t appreciate about them, just simply make it about you and the things you need to give your attention to.
c. Or maybe you constantly feel like you are a doormat and there for everyone else but don’t receive that same love back. First off, it’s important to note that this was me 100% and something I had to learn was that we all have gifts and talents. Sometimes your gift is being approachable and playing that “counselor” role. Not everyone can do that and as much as that stinks, if you spend your time expecting something from someone that they can’t give you, you’ll pass by the relationships that CAN offer you that. And for me I learned that the second I allowed God to play that role for me, all my other relationships got sooo much healthier. But another boundary you can set here to protect yourself and your relationships is to set the intention of the relationship. Don’t allow yourself to always be available. If you do something nice for someone and are expecting that back, make it known that your love language is also those things and it means a lot when others offer the same thing back. And remind yourself often of your heart when you do offer your time and services. If you know you’re going to want it back from someone who has never given it to you, that’s something you have to work on within yourself. Expecting them to meet you where you are when they are at another point in their life is unfair and unrealistic.
OK, on to the next step!
- Make your boundary known. Set your expectations. But make sure this isn’t about all the things they do that annoy you or make you mad. This needs to be about creating healthy outcomes, and putting someone down will never achieve that. If someone is wanting you to do something or take on a commitment that you don’t feel like you should be taking on, you don’t have to be rude or mean. You can simply say “I’d love to, but unfortunately I cannot at this time”. SO SIMPLE. And you don’t have to explain yourself. READ THAT AGAIN! If you want to explain, you can but if the only reason you want to is because you feel guilty, DON’T!
If this is a relationship where you are wanting to receive something from them that you don’t feel like you’re getting, just sit down with them and explain your expectation for the relationship. You might say something like, “I am so thankful for our friendship but something I’d like to see happen is both of us doing (xyz).” You don’t want to make it all about the things they need to do different. Keep it mutual! You can mention how it’s important to you that both of your needs get met, or something along those lines as well. But honestly this doesn’t have to be deep! Keep it clear, mutual, and short! And then listen to their response. If you feel like they are getting defensive you might let them know it’s not necessary! You could say “the last thing I want to happen is for this to cause problems, I just think it is important that we both are heard and seen but if you aren’t at a place in your life where you can do that then I understand! Just let me know when you are ready to do that and we can revisit this conversation! Until then I may have to take a step back.”
- Don’t argue! If this triggers them and you want to help them process what is happening, and they are open to that, in some situations this can be ok. But if they go into attack mode, see yourself out. As long as you came from a place of compassion and not out of anger, and these expectations are realistic, you have done nothing wrong by sharing your expectations for a relationship or by setting a boundary. Sit in that peace! Most relationships that love you and respect you won’t get to this point. The majority of those conversations that result in the other bullying you is with someone who you may need to walk away from. Maybe not forever, but it is clear they are going through something and unwilling to resolve an issue. Your job is to love them by praying for them, it is not to be their doormat or punching bag.
I have come to find that most REAL relationships will respect this conversation if it is coming from a respectful place. Some people may become insecure, but if you keep it focused on what you BOTH should be doing, it can help keep this at a minimum. It is also CRUCIAL that these conversations be in person! Over the phone is never an ideal place, and this is especially true for texting. If you are concerned about saying the right things, a letter can be helpful to keep you focused and saying the right things! And be sure to follow the BREATHE system if either of you feel triggered!
I love this topic because I believe it’s SO important! So, if there is something you’d liked me to go over more in depth then please let me know! Next week we are going to dive deeper into processing your emotions and thoughts so that way you can have a better understanding of why you do or think what you do, and how to overcome it to be able to continue walking in your healing journey and into who God called you to be! This will also help you to not stay stuck in unhealthy places and feel more confident in relationships and hard conversations!
Thanks for hanging out with me again and I’ll see you next week! I hope you have the best week ever!
