Welcome Back!
Asking for help is probably one of the HARDEST things for most of us. Regardless of our past, it is extremely vulnerable to put yourself in a position to feel rejected. For some, it is hard because they feel like it makes them weak. For others, they don’t want to have to “owe” someone in return or allow someone to have something to hang over their head. There are so many reasons why we struggle to ask for help, but they ALL stem from our past. Sometimes it becomes subconscious, other times we know exactly where it comes from.
I’ve said this before and I’ll continue to say it until it sticks, we were designed for relationship! We were not intended to be alone. And the enemy’s favorite thing to do is take ONE situation that made us feel alone and rejected, and make us think the entire world will hurt us. This place, and this coping mechanism will NEVER result in peace, joy, or freedom.
This feels basic, right? This is not new information, yet we still struggle to do it. So, how do we get ourselves to step into this vulnerable spot and start asking for help? Yup, you guessed it, by reminding ourself of truth. But what is the truth? Because when it comes down to it, this isn’t just about us. This involves others. We can think negative thoughts about ourselves and tell ourselves that God loves us and reverse those thoughts all day long, but when we start walking into vulnerable spots that involve others potentially telling us no or rejecting us and leaving us right back in that spot of feeling alone and unloved, or potentially gives someone the upper hand to use against us later on, or shows others our weakness and gives someone the opportunity to judge us, it isn’t so easy to tell ourselves that they won’t hurt us. Because the truth is, they still might.
So, what is the truth that we should remind ourselves when it comes to asking for help?
First of all, you need to remind yourself the truth about the people you are asking help from. In terms of these negative thoughts and fears you are having and assuming they are thinking or feeling, did this person ACTUALLY ever say or do those things? If yes, then they aren’t the people you should be asking help from. You want to be asking for help from people who have a heart for Jesus. Those who have walked in healing or have a compassionate nature to them. Someone who is healthy and is a safe place. If you don’t know anyone like this then you are either lying to yourself or you are surrounded by the wrong people. If you read all of that and thought “everyone has always hurt me or no-one has ever loved me”, then you are living in limbic land and need to remind yourself of everything we have gone over these last several weeks and recognize that all inclusive statements indicate that you are speaking from a wound, not from truth. You cannot heal here, nor receive truth of any kind. You have to allow yourself to be honest with yourself and allow yourself to see the true intentions of those around you. And if those in your closest circle are negative influences or have helped you stay stuck in these unhealthy patterns and coping behaviors, it is time to find a new circle! (This is a topic I’ll touch more on soon, so if you don’t know how to find a new circle, stay tuned!)
The next step is to take your thoughts to court and really analyze the facts vs the lies. How many phone numbers do you have in your phone? Have ALL of these people actually used you when you asked for help? Have ALL of these people actually told you they don’t care about you? Like, ACTUALLY verbally told you these things? Not an assumption you made, but ACTUALLY told you these things? There is a good chance maybe a few have, but unless you only have 5 people in your contacts, I highly doubt everyone has put you down and used you in your lifetime.
Now don’t get me wrong, I am not saying that you don’t have a valid reason for having this fear! What you’ve been though is something that would make anyone avoid asking for help. But if you truly want to walk into healing, you CANNOT do it alone. And you CANNOT do it while living in a victim mentality.
Did you just shut down or tense up when I said victim? It is a word that does not feel good. But the harsh reality is that if we aren’t walking into healing and we stay stuck in our unhealthy coping behaviors, then we are absolutely still allowing ourselves to be a victim to our past pain. A lot of us think that being a victim means we are having pity parties all the time and living in a “woe is me” lifestyle. But that is not the only way we are playing the victim role. Anything that means we are avoiding dealing with our emotions and fears is, without a doubt, us living in a victim mentality. But that doesn’t mean you are wrong or bad, it just means you are human. Don’t let the devil shut you down when you hear that. Use that information as reason to keep growing and healing!
And speaking of reality, that is our next truth! The reality is, we will hear “no” when we are asking for help. And if we aren’t wise with who we ask for help from, they may hold it over our heads, try and use it against us, or judge us. If the people we are asking are toxic relationships in our life, we need to deal with those. This may be a good time to refer back to my blogs about toxic relationships. But if we are asking healthy/ loving people for help, and hearing no, this doesn’t mean it has anything to do with us or the amount of love they have for us. There is a VERY good chance they are just busy. The reality of life is everyone is always doing something. But just because we hear a few no’s does not mean that we stop asking. The devil is going to try HARD to stop you from asking anyone else, but keep this reality in the forefront of your mind and KEEP ASKING! Jesus told us in Matthew 7:7 to keep on asking, keep on seeking, and keep on knocking!
As Christians, it can feel easier to just pray and ask God to help us. But then we feel like He isn’t listening when we still feel alone. However, in reality, a lot of the time the way He will answer those prayers is through people. So, if we are closing everyone out and writing everyone off and assuming no-one will help us or that we don’t need anyone, it isn’t that He isn’t answering us. It’s that we aren’t giving Him the opportunity to.
We are ALWAYS going to need help. We will always fall short in some way. Not because we are failures, but because we were never intended to be alone or rely on our own strength. God is love and He created us to love us. Love will help us. Encourage us. Strengthen us. But we won’t be able to experience any of that if we try and rely on ourselves for everything. This only leads to isolation, loneliness, suicidal thoughts, unhealthy coping behaviors like anxiety and depression, and unhealthy relationships. Any of those sound familiar? It’s time for you to experience God in place of those things! It’s time for you to experience joy and love!
That all being said, I also want to put a disclaimer out there. Asking for help and depending on others to fix you are two completely different things. We’ve talked a lot about being afraid of asking for help, but another unhealthy coping behavior adapted from unmet needs growing up is co-dependency. Sometimes we start finding any reason possible to get attention or our needs met, a big one being asking for help or sharing our emotions and situations with anyone and everyone who will listen. This too will lead to loneliness, isolation, and unhealthy coping behaviors and relationships. Why? Because we are putting anyone and everyone in the place of God. We are seeking any type of attention we can get because we believe it’s the only way we will get it. And we do this because, for some of us, it’s easier to rely on people than God. Yes, asking for help is necessary in our times of trouble. But if we are seeking people BEFORE we are seeking God, we aren’t in a healthy headspace. This can be hard to hear, I know because it was hard to write. It feels harsh but know that this is also just another indicator that we are human! You are not the only one who does this!
For those of us who do like to talk out our hardships, even if it is just with one or two people and isn’t with everyone, it can be easy to rely on others to make us feel better. But then we get left feeling empty and alone when they don’t. This is because they can’t. Only God can. Sure, He will speak to us through people, which is another reason we should ask for help. But typically when we go to people we are looking for a bandaid, not healing. God is the ONLY one who can produce lasting peace and freedom. We should be seeking after Him and healing first and always!
I am going to end this with the most important truths we should be reminding ourselves of, and that is HIS truth!
—1 Peter 5:7 says you should “cast all our anxieties on Him, because he cares for you!”
—1 John 5:14 says, “And this is the confidence that we have toward him, that if we ask anything according to his will he hears us!”
—John 15:16 says, “You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit and that your fruit should abide, so that whatever you ask the father in my name, he may give it to you!”
—Romans 8:31 says, “What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, WHO CAN BE AGAINST US?”
—Psalm 121:2 says, “My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth.”
—John 15:7 says, “If you remain in me, and my word remain in you, you may ask for anything you want and it will be granted!”
—John 16:24 says, “Until now you have asked nothing in my name. Ask, and you will receive, that your joy be full!”
—James 4:2 says, “You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, BECAUSE YOU DO NOT ASK.”
I could go on and on! When we desire, seek, and love Him back, He provides us with more than we could ever think to ask for. He hears your cry. He knows who you truly are! He created you so you could be His. It’s ok to ask for help. We may hear no from time to time. But the second we wear those NO’s as rejection, we give the enemy free rein over our mind. We can’t let him do that!
You are not alone and there ARE people that are FOR you! Keep seeking, friend!