Welcome back!
If you’ve been around for the past few blogs, you know we’ve been talking about how to set boundaries with unhealthy relationships and friendships. I would actually like to dive a little more into that but first we need to talk about when to walk away from these unhealthy relationships and how to do so. This one may be hard for you but it’s important to remind yourself that you are safe and you aren’t alone! You may find yourself feeling uncomfortable but remember, this is just advice and a resource to use. Ultimately what you do is up to you, but remember, the hard thing to do is usually the right thing to do.
Your flesh/ limbic system is not going to want to do this but you’re here because you know you need to. However, I do need to put out a disclaimer before we dive in. If you are married and the unhealthy relationship is with your spouse, PLEASE seek counsel with your pastor. I am not a licensed marriage counselor and I am not in a position to talk about divorce. If a situation is unsafe, separation may be necessary but anything past physically getting out of an unsafe situation would require counsel from your pastor. If you find yourself in this situation and you’d like some resources about that topic, I have a few I can share but I want to be clear that the intent of this blog is ONLY to share tips on how to physically and emotionally remove yourself from unsafe or toxic relationships/friendships, etc.
So let’s recap the type of situations that would be wise to walk away from:
- Obviously anyone who is abusive, physically or emotionally. If you find that this person is constantly putting you down, bullying you, physically abusing you, or anything that is causing you to isolate from your support system.
- Someone is who is unwilling to also work on themselves. ALL relationships are two way streets. If only one person is willing to see the areas they need to improve on, then at some point you will have to choose to either stop growing or walk away, because trying to grow with someone like that is near impossible. And honestly, these people usually fit into the first group of people as well.
It’s important to remember that these people aren’t monsters. But they are EXTREMELY wounded. Some may even have chemical imbalances. Something that needs to be talked about more is how much our thoughts directly relate to our health and beliefs. Our thoughts are directly affected to the function of our mind and body. For example, we can become addicted to anxiety if we spend enough time there, not because it feels good but because our brains get addicted to the chemicals released while experiencing the anxiety. It becomes a high. And another example is if we convince ourselves as women that we are pregnant, our body will start having symptoms and believe we are. Our words and minds are powerful. So when someone truly believes that they are superior, there’s nothing we can do to change that. And that can become very toxic!
While walking away seems like it should be easy to someone else, it can be very difficult for most in the relationship because the only reason they are in them in the first place is because they believe it is what they deserve. They believe that if they walk away, they won’t have anyone. And almost all of the time, the only reason someone would choose an abusive relationship is because they are more afraid of being alone than of the abuse, or what that abuse could lead to. So, how does one walk away?
First off, if it’s physically abusive then I highly recommend seeking shelter of some sort. Physically abusive relationships can be tricky. I would highly recommend seeking out a counselor or pastor and follow their guidance on what to do to remove yourself. There is also a number you can call, 800-799-7233 (national domestic violence hotline.) I need to add here that I am not a licensed counselor and cannot give much more advice from there. But what I can do is remind you that you deserve more than this! And any advice given moving forward is for those in non violent, but still unhealthy relationships/friendships, etc.
FIRST: ALLOW TRUTH INTO YOUR HEART
If you follow me at all then you know that your heart is referring to your mind and your spirit. Your mind is always going to try and protect you by keeping you from experiencing past pain. Which is why those who grew up feeling alone are more afraid of going back to that pain than any other pain. But that desire to be respected, to be loved in a healthy way, to believe that you deserve more than this, all comes from your spirit. God wants you to have those things as well, and we were designed to give AND GET those things! So, what needs to happen is we need to not only desire those things, but also begin to BELIEVE those things. You may have never received the love you want, and you may have been dealt a lot of hard situations. It may feel like even God doesn’t love you. But I’m here to tell you He does. I am here to tell you that the enemy always attacks God’s most impactful warriors the hardest. And it isn’t that God didn’t hear you or see you or even that He allowed those things to happen to you. The hard reality is that we live in a sinful wounded world full of hate and anger, and because God gave us dominion and free will, He can’t stop bad things from happening UNLESS we be that voice and allow God to move. He can only move through us or because of us. And I am here to tell you that NOTHING is more freeing than learning that all you have to do is ALLOW HIM and ASK HIM to fight for you while holding onto and walking towards your purpose. Which if you didn’t know, your purpose is to BE loved and to GIVE love like Jesus. But giving love to yourself or others, doesn’t mean you have to stay in unhealthy or harmful relationships. The only way you will ever be loved the way you want to be loved, or able to give actual love to others, is through healing. When you heal you start seeing the world for what it is. You stop taking things so personally. You start to be able to show grace and mercy. You STOP allowing evil in and you start focusing on truth. You start allowing only those voices into your life that speak truth in love. You walk away from or pray against any negative voice that try to come in. I am going to cover all of this in my next blog: how to heal, process, and understand these things all mentioned above! But for now, I’d say start listening to that voice you know is truth, the one you’ve been afraid to listen to. And start calling out the lies that you have believed for so long just because it felt easier!
NEXT: WRITE A LETTER
The next step would normally be to set a boundary and have a hard conversation. But if you’ve read my “Just Breathe” system and “the Dos and Don’ts of a healthy conversation” and have attempted to apply them and the person was not receptive, then its time have a different kind of conversation. I HIGHLY RECOMMEND writing this out as a letter and having someone healthy in your life proofread it. Or reread it yourself when you are in a neutral mindset, but the key here is to make sure it isn’t written from a painful or angry place. A lot of the tips I gave in the healthy conversation blog will apply here as well. You want make sure that you are making this letter about yourself, and not about all the bad things they have done. You might explain the way you are wanting to go or explain your expectations from the relationship and how you both are not on the same page. I know it will feel good to remind them of all the bad things they’ve done to you and flex your muscles and show off how strong you are now. But the reality is, it won’t change anything if they are stuck in an unhealthy or narcissistic mindset. In fact, it may just make things worse and remember, this is about healing, not about being right or the other person being wrong. If you need help with this, definitely reach out and I can try and help and I am actually working on a form about this topic! The point of this letter is to help you to be able to better have the conversation. I DO NOT recommend having this conversation through text or email. This needs to be something that you give them directly or read to them directly. I would only recommend not being there when they are reading this letter if you are afraid the conversation would turn violent. But other than that, this needs to be in person and you need to be the one reading it. Writing the letter is 100% for you and has nothing to do with them. It just helps keep the conversation on track and healthy.
FINALLY: PROTECT YOUR BOUNDARIES
Something you might find after you let someone unhealthy know that you are choosing to walk away from the relationship is they might lash out in anger or try and guilt you into staying. They may even try to manipulate you into staying by saying everything you want to hear. This is especially true for those with narcissistic personality disorder. This may leave you questioning if you are doing the right thing or willing to stick around with some boundaries that you already tried to set. They may agree to them now but just know, if they have NPD they are just manipulating you. And if someone with NPD knows you are willing to walk away, they will make getting to this point again very hard. They even amp up their tactics of keeping you bound in fear and tearing down any growth you’ve done in yourself. So, be sure to prepare yourself for this ahead of time. Stay strong and give yourself reminders of what you are walking after and why that can’t happen here.
If someone is just in an unhealthy season in their life and do not have NPD, this step away from the relationship could technically be temporary. But it would be wise not to entertain coming back into it until that other person has worked on themselves and you for sure want to make sure there are boundaries in place. In fact, you both will want to set boundaries to ensure you both stick to your healing journeys and don’t relapse in your healing process back to old coping behaviors. Remember, all unhealthy coping behaviors come from a place of fear. In terms of our limbic system, there is no difference in resorting to isolation and resorting to alcohol. Obviously there are differences physically, but emotionally they are the same. So you HAVE to protect your boundaries and stick to your healing journey gameplan!
You may also find that after you walked away from this relationship that you encounter a situation that leaves you wanting to go back to what was easy, because growing is hard and vulnerable. But, again, I want to remind you of the importance of remembering what you are walking towards. Freedom, peace, and joy CANNOT happen with unhealthy influences in our immediate life. Yes, going back may seem easier but is it? Is it really that much easier to be miserable? It may be less scary but is it really that much easier? Both options are going to be hard, but only one will result in freedom, peace, and joy. You have to choose your hard. At least with one option you have the chance to experience happiness. At least one options allows you to be seen and heard, even if it is scary! HOLD ON TO THAT! You know how people say when you want to work out, to put inspirational pictures and messages around to keep you going? Same thing here. Make a truth board, fill your mirrors with encouragement, etc. Whatever you need to do to protect your boundaries you’ve set! If you remember from the last blog, boundaries are not there for someone else. They are there to protect yourself!
A few extra tips for those walking away from someone with NPD:
- Educate yourself about NPD
- Write down the reasons your leaving and keep them close to remind yourself often
- Seek Support
- DON’T MAKE EMPTY THREATS
- After you have left, CUT OFF ALL CONTACT
- Allow yourself time to grieve
- Don’t expect them to share the same amount of grief. In fact, know they won’t and if they do it won’t be real.
I grabbed those last 7 tips from a resource I thought was an easy read and easy to understand article that I’ll link HERE! I think its a great resource for someone wanting to set boundaries or walk away from someone with NPD!
Walking away may not be easy, but sometimes it’s the only way you can grow and heal. Not everyone who comes into our lives are meant to be there forever. And I know what it’s like to feel like you might be the only one willing to help them overcome their unhealthy behaviors. Unfortunately, in a lot of situations where the other is unwilling to see or heal their wounds, the only way you can have a hand at helping them is to no longer allow them to treat you that way, meaning you have to walk away and no longer enable them.
If all of this sounds like something you want to do, but need some extra help knowing how to follow through with allowing truth in your heart, or writing that letter, or even following through with setting boundaries, then make sure to keep following these messages! I plan to dive deeper into each of those topics over the next few weeks!
Keep growing friend! You’ve got this! And for what it’s worth, I’m proud of you for being here and wanting to work towards who you are called to be! Can’t wait to see you next week! And as always, be sure to find me on my socials and connect with me if you have questions!
